Going, going, gone

I extracted myself from the UK mobile phone market today in a fit of pique. I have been living in Thailand off and on for the last 3 years and yet still maintained my old account at Orange.
It was good to take with me when travelling, as I could then benefit from the super-value-for-money roaming on my monthly bill. Well, actually I used Skype unless I got really stuck for access. Still, I managed to pay them a few hundred dollars per year, and never used my included minutes or texts.

Yesterday I went online to see if there were any good deals to get a 3G phone. There were no 3G phones available on my upgrade list, and no explanation why not. Ok, I'll pay up my current contract (2 months left) and get a new 3G contract, I naively thought.
No can do, please refer to upgrades if you want to keep your old number. But upgrades has no 3G options!!

Today I went into an Orange Business Centre in London, where they told me I would have to wait until my current contract expired!! Can't I pay it up and get a new contract? No, they couldn't do anthing in the shop with current contracts and I would have to phone customer care on 150.
Sorry, can't help, don't care, it's just the rules, mate. [Perhaps he has a head-up display of my customer information, grabbed by bluetooth from my phone that's telling him I make no calls and generate little revenue; a class D customer, don't waste your time!]

Ok....dial 150, [endless options presented by IVR], get through to cancellations and a real person.
"I'd like to cancel my Orange account",
"What's the number? [duh] You still have 2 months left",
"I will pay the costs of cancellation",
"Ok, I need to transfer you to the cancellations dept", [I thought that was you?]
[irritating music] "Just puttin' you fru now" [more irritating music]
"Hello, I understand you want to cancel your account?"
"Do you want it cancelled immediately?" [Do I want to be cut off as we speak!?]
"No, at the weekend"
"That will be 23.57, we will add it to your final bill"
"Make sure you copy all information from your SIM card, it will be erased on Monday" [Can they do that? Legally, not technically. Any no win, no fee lawyers want to find out??]
"Ok, goodbye!" .... click [ and so endeth a 5 year relationship with Orange ]

At least something's easy at Orange!